Love Until It Hurts--Elements of my Youth.

One night I sat and drank from a cup filled by the moon. Liquid night passed over my parched lips and made a hot, heavy home in my chest, anointing my core. I could run all night off of this stuff. I closed my eyes and asked for a boon. He stood, thick, proud, angry, and mine.

***

The Sable Sovereign asked me if I had ever really wanted someone. Really.
"I suppose so, yeah"
No she meant really. To suppose was false to know is what she wanted.
I have said I.
Continue, she insisted and so I transcribe here what I wrote when I took up my pen

------Once when I was girl I loved so hard that my heart threatened to abandon my bony brown frame daily if I did not feed it the love of One JLR. Nightly it spoke and left angry whispers in my ear that to me sounded like the menacing grunts of monsters from fairytales. Then one day at breakfast I attempted to swallow and found that there was no room in me, for all my emotion had gathered and filled up the whole (hole) of space in my body. I looked at my mother with a start, who commanded that I eat. NOW. Hot tears fell (I have always been a dramatic one, even in my youth) and shook my head, No. To my surprise she knew and excused me from the table to be alone with my reckless and passionate heart. How I heaved in the tiny bedroom closet as I conjured images of the one I loved, whom I love still.

My years advanced and so too did my capacity for emotional control (although one might not tell from this blog). I invent lives. I create new worlds where I am Ruler and Sovereign and my lovers are always many and pleasing to me because in my waking world only one has ever pacified me (literally and otherwise). To replicate this King in fantasy would be blasphemy I think, perhaps... I could conjure no such person on my own from my mind to fill his flesh. Why not? Am I afraid that the strenght of my emotions while send to me his smell? His touch? His kiss?
I do not know and I cannot risk it. And what if it seizes me as it did in my youth? Starves me until I act (I-he-we, did indeed act, until exhaustion in most cases). This is why I have loved some in shallow ways. I have chosen those who are themselves painfully shallow. Severe and condescending lovers who see and love no further than themselves. Some I have gotten over in a matter of hours...can you imagine? To simply stop loving and know that you never did? To know that you are not even ashamed or guilty? Do you think that this is wrong? Am I wrong? I took insults and swallowed obvious fallacies so that the transition to singleness would be of no consequence...I smile even now when I think of it...I am the shrew the bards speak of in ancient texts for sure. Sovereignty is so very intoxicating. Angry passion without thought, complete with primal savagery is so appealing that I tingle at the thought of letting go of the reigns once again.
I have avoided the depth that comes with true connection because I know now as I knew then that I will become what is intended of true passion. I will become drunk and careless again. And I will LOVE every moment......
My tale pleased the Sable Sovereign and she retired for the evening to entertain a young God she calls "Shango"

Tell me friends have you loved like this? Til your hands shook at the thought of touching the fabric of their clothes.....standing close enough to catch the scent and breathe their air?
What would happen if YOU let go and loved as if no one else could see you? (this is not rhetorical my friends please answer for I am anxious to know)...