Saturday, January 7, 2017

Post-Hiatus Thoughts...


So, it appears I haven’t been here in a while. I could say that life took over but that’s not entirely the case. I started using my journal again so I was basically writing my thoughts down with pen and paper rather than coming here to spill my guts to a public audience of none. I think I might be ready to start here again. I’ll spare this space the tedium that is what I have written in my journals right now because at some point it will likely make its way here in bits and pieces anyway. I kinda miss this space I have to say. It didn’t really get much traffic but it felt so vast and wide open and visible that it was refreshing and liberating in a way. I remember writing about a love I had found and lost, a cyber friend I had made who passed on from a sudden illness, and a romantic rival who crawled her way through a series of unfortunate events because she found the love I had lost.

I still have my closest friend without whom I would be lost to say the least. We all have that or those friends who absorb a bit of the blood and guts of life with us. Those friends who collect our bits and pieces and sew them back into place. Sometimes they fill the gaps in us with parts of themselves, making us stronger and connecting our foundation to theirs forever. How lucky we are when that happens…

That lost love is now stumbling through a series of illnesses and maladies that could give me joy (briefly it did if I am being honest) but I feel only pity. I wish them good luck honestly. I also lost some friends I thought I would have for a lifetime. Now they are on the periphery of acquaintance-ship (?) and honestly I think that is where they always should have been. After the loss of that love I mentioned (it was particularly messy and painful) those now peripheral friends sat at a dinner with me and other friends of ours and publicly discussed the most dreadful and dingy details of my break up and laughed with full belly gusto. I crawled into myself and outwardly laughed until the greasy slick feel of betrayal slid down my soul and into the plate of food I couldn’t eat another bite of. They broke my heart and they have no clue, nor do they care (they aren’t those kind of people). They don’t really care for much outside themselves and honestly I no longer begrudge them for this. People are who they are. You can stand them or you keep them out of reach of your sensitive heart and your writer’s soul.  I have made my choice and we are all better for it.
I've loved and lost since but that is a story for another time I suppose. For now I think I've said enough...

Ah! And it has happened. I have indeed dropped a bit of my journal here. See, nothing too bloody but a lesson in pain and growth nonetheless.