Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Reconnect


I haven’t been about in a while. I want to say that so much has happened but I don’t know how true that is. I lost some weight, got a small raise and changed my mind about love almost entirely. A woman I consider the sister I never had, lost her brother to gun violence. I knew little of but I met him well before I ever laid eyes on her. Were it not for him, I never would have met one of the most important people in my life. He dated another close friend and because of that relationship we met his sister and became fast and lasting friends.  I don’t know why he was killed. There is precious little information regarding the incident as it stands but he left behind a wife, 3 children and a host of friends and extended family. My dear friend had not heard from him in 18 years. He simply vanished from her life and the lives of all of her friends at the time. He tried to make contact, to connect to everyone very recently before he passed. For a brief moment, my friend was linked again to her brother and it was meaningful to her. I’m so very sorry for her loss and I wish that I could do something important and meaningful to ease the pain and uncover the mystery of his passing.
I feel as though I have neglected my best connections out of selfishness, and maybe apathy. I'm ashamed of it. I know that I can not continue this. I have no right.

I know that I can be grateful for the connection he created between myself and my two very close and dear friends. I can cherish the relationships he helped to create and I can not continue to take for granted the people I am connected to in this life. 
 
That's all for now...
 

Saturday, March 8, 2014

The Heart of the Matter...

I was recently directed to a note written about me (I suppose it was supposed to function as a bit of an apology although there was no mention of responsibility or culpability on the part of the writer in particular). It was more or less a tighten up the affairs sort of note. I understood it for what it was. Loose ends. I know I don't want any ragged bits hanging about after I have crossed over into the mysterious shadow lands of the non-sentient.

I think a lot about what is on the other side of life.
  • Does our energy reconnect with the "star-stuff" from whence we evolved? Oh my but I do hope we rejoin our star stuff parents. If so then we will be here when it all truly changes or ceases and what a wonder we are then huh?
  • Are we a part of the swirling entropy that makes up our atmosphere? no less amazing but I'd rather travel to the outer reaches of the universe once I'm released from this mortal coil.
  • Maybe we don't go anywhere because what we were in these bodies is all there ever was/is. Surely not as fantastical as the previous two scenarios but still pretty amazing considering we actually did exist, at least for a time.
No matter which of these scenarios is our truth or if none of these is a truth at all, certainly we should try to impact this world while we exist in it.
  • I want my impact to be one that inspires others in some way. Well, in some positive way.
  • I certainly hope that I have not lived only to be a sore spot in history for someone.
  • I want to at least have earned the true forgiveness of anyone I have harmed or whose world was unpleasant because I ever occupied space in it.
  • I want most to be a force in hereafter. To be felt and to be relevant in some way. It can be physical or it can be other but I want it to BE, ya know?
I'm sure all of this has much to do with the people I love who are currently battling one bitch of a disease or another. I find them inspirational and strong and I hope so much to be like them in some small way when I am facing the great war of my life.  Well, it seems this post took a turn for the better. I didn't really have high hopes for it considering the initial topic but here we are...
Be good to the people around you. Give much, love much and be better than you were yesterday.

Later Taters!

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Back again for the umpteenth time with a nice stream of consciousness to annoy and confuse...

I haven't been blogging regularly, which is to say that haven't been writing regularly. I've been preoccupied with work, my level of fitness and of course my mother's health (which is improving by the way). I wish I were one of those people who keep all of the plates spinning during times of unrest but it seems I completely stall on a lot of fronts when my world is jostled. Perhaps the most important of those abandoned fronts is my writing. Writing keeps me sane and I have not been doing it to any decent degree and so, my sanity is surely to have suffered. I like to think I am getting back on track. I started eating right again and I feel much better. My mother has only one chemo treatment left and has weathered the past three treatments quite well; although I believe the emotional toll to be higher than she would like to recognize.  She would never admit to feeling other than happy and grateful which bothers me because I want her to know she can lean on me emotionally even though I am the sensitive one in our family. She doesn't have to cry (I covered that during her initial diagnosis) but she is free to express her feelings, whatever they may be without the worry of sending me into a well of despair (crawled out of that thing with the help of MDW as usual). I get why she is so tight-lipped, its how we operate. We're not complainers. We tend to weather our storms quietly and offer smiles, and laughs to those we know would rather not see the cracks in the foundation. And now here I am, attempting to repair my foundation with the caulk of writing. I am already feeling less tense.

All of my small woes aside, I still can't complain. She's here (mother), I'm here, and our small piece of  the first world moves forward pretty steadily. Sure there are questions of equality to be tackled and certainly our children are dodging the same prejudices our parents and grand-parents fought so hard to minimize and eradicate but there is no war waged on our streets as in other countries and that is certainly something for which to be grateful.  I want to do something. To be a doer of things that impact and uplift or merely ease the burdens of others.  I want to be useful. I believe myself to be useful in my job of serving our veterans. I know that I am because I enjoy my job and I perform it quite well, on purpose. I seek opportunities to be useful in any capacity for those who have served and who will seek benefits when their service is done. It is important to me. More important than I could have known five years ago when I started.

But what will I do now? What more and extra thing will I do to prove my desire to help the world of someone?  I will speak aloud about what I know. What do I know? Well, there is the question of the day. I know a lot about a few things and a bit about a lot of things and maybe that will help someone. I know it would help me to get it on a page and into the hands of others so...I think I'll dust off the laptop and court carpal tunnel for myself and the world.

Its safe to say I'm  back...