Saturday, January 7, 2017

Post-Hiatus Thoughts...

So, it appears I haven’t been here in a while. I could say that life took over but that’s not entirely the case. I started using my journal again so I was basically writing my thoughts down with pen and paper rather than coming here to spill my guts to a public audience of none. I think I might be ready to start here again. I’ll spare this space the tedium that is what I have written in my journals right now because at some point it will likely make its way here in bits and pieces anyway. I kinda miss this space I have to say. It didn’t really get much traffic but it felt so vast and wide open and visible that it was refreshing and liberating in a way. I remember writing about a love I had found and lost, a cyber friend I had made who passed on from a sudden illness, and a romantic rival who crawled her way through a series of unfortunate events because she found the love I had lost.

I still have my closest friend without whom I would be lost to say the least. We all have that or those friends who absorb a bit of the blood and guts of life with us. Those friends who collect our bits and pieces and sew them back into place. Sometimes they fill the gaps in us with parts of themselves, making us stronger and connecting our foundation to theirs forever. How lucky we are when that happens…

That lost love is now stumbling through a series of illnesses and maladies that could give me joy (briefly it did if I am being honest) but I feel only pity. I wish them good luck honestly. I also lost some friends I thought I would have for a lifetime. Now they are on the periphery of acquaintance-ship (?) and honestly I think that is where they always should have been. After the loss of that love I mentioned (it was particularly messy and painful) those now peripheral friends sat at a dinner with me and other friends of ours and publicly discussed the most dreadful and dingy details of my break up and laughed with full belly gusto. I crawled into myself and outwardly laughed until the greasy slick feel of betrayal slid down my soul and into the plate of food I couldn’t eat another bite of. They broke my heart and they have no clue, nor do they care (they aren’t those kind of people). They don’t really care for much outside themselves and honestly I no longer begrudge them for this. People are who they are. You can stand them or you keep them out of reach of your sensitive heart and your writer’s soul.  I have made my choice and we are all better for it.
I've loved and lost since but that is a story for another time I suppose. For now I think I've said enough...

Ah! And it has happened. I have indeed dropped a bit of my journal here. See, nothing too bloody but a lesson in pain and growth nonetheless.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014


I haven’t been about in a while. I want to say that so much has happened but I don’t know how true that is. I lost some weight, got a small raise and changed my mind about love almost entirely. A woman I consider the sister I never had, lost her brother to gun violence. I knew little of but I met him well before I ever laid eyes on her. Were it not for him, I never would have met one of the most important people in my life. He dated another close friend and because of that relationship we met his sister and became fast and lasting friends.  I don’t know why he was killed. There is precious little information regarding the incident as it stands but he left behind a wife, 3 children and a host of friends and extended family. My dear friend had not heard from him in 18 years. He simply vanished from her life and the lives of all of her friends at the time. He tried to make contact, to connect to everyone very recently before he passed. For a brief moment, my friend was linked again to her brother and it was meaningful to her. I’m so very sorry for her loss and I wish that I could do something important and meaningful to ease the pain and uncover the mystery of his passing.
I feel as though I have neglected my best connections out of selfishness, and maybe apathy. I'm ashamed of it. I know that I can not continue this. I have no right.

I know that I can be grateful for the connection he created between myself and my two very close and dear friends. I can cherish the relationships he helped to create and I can not continue to take for granted the people I am connected to in this life. 
That's all for now...

Saturday, March 8, 2014

The Heart of the Matter...

I was recently directed to a note written about me (I suppose it was supposed to function as a bit of an apology although there was no mention of responsibility or culpability on the part of the writer in particular). It was more or less a tighten up the affairs sort of note. I understood it for what it was. Loose ends. I know I don't want any ragged bits hanging about after I have crossed over into the mysterious shadow lands of the non-sentient.

I think a lot about what is on the other side of life.
  • Does our energy reconnect with the "star-stuff" from whence we evolved? Oh my but I do hope we rejoin our star stuff parents. If so then we will be here when it all truly changes or ceases and what a wonder we are then huh?
  • Are we a part of the swirling entropy that makes up our atmosphere? no less amazing but I'd rather travel to the outer reaches of the universe once I'm released from this mortal coil.
  • Maybe we don't go anywhere because what we were in these bodies is all there ever was/is. Surely not as fantastical as the previous two scenarios but still pretty amazing considering we actually did exist, at least for a time.
No matter which of these scenarios is our truth or if none of these is a truth at all, certainly we should try to impact this world while we exist in it.
  • I want my impact to be one that inspires others in some way. Well, in some positive way.
  • I certainly hope that I have not lived only to be a sore spot in history for someone.
  • I want to at least have earned the true forgiveness of anyone I have harmed or whose world was unpleasant because I ever occupied space in it.
  • I want most to be a force in hereafter. To be felt and to be relevant in some way. It can be physical or it can be other but I want it to BE, ya know?
I'm sure all of this has much to do with the people I love who are currently battling one bitch of a disease or another. I find them inspirational and strong and I hope so much to be like them in some small way when I am facing the great war of my life.  Well, it seems this post took a turn for the better. I didn't really have high hopes for it considering the initial topic but here we are...
Be good to the people around you. Give much, love much and be better than you were yesterday.

Later Taters!