Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Fitness

I like fitness. Scratch that, I like having fitness but I don't necessarily LOVE performing The Fitness. I don't just mean physical fitness, I mean all of the fitness. Mental fitness can be a real chore too it turns out. Maybe I'm the only one who didn't realize that your mind can run away with all your loot. All that fitness you performed at the gym can just be swallowed whole by your sneaky thief mind with its nooks and crannies of doubt and trap laying of self deprecation. I have been known to eat correctly all day, then go to the gym and workout like the triathlete my quirky t-shirt probably says I am and then get home to confront the heckler in the balcony which is, of course, my mind. "Oh, so you figure one workout and a few salads can help you get your shit together do you?" That's the bitch in the balcony for you. Always laying in wait with some rude comment to distract you while she makes away with your day's spoils. Here's  the thing, you have to call security on her. No more of this hearing all sides of a story stuff. she has to go and she has to go now. She has to be forcibly removed with a big strong security guard or even a mob of awesome people who want to take that balcony and turn it into a cheering section. How the heck do we summon the strength to call security on her. She's always sat there honestly. Is it right to just show up and remove her? Yes! Yes it is. She has to go, now and if she doesn't like it then she better get her shit together and change her attitude because the balcony is for fans. All this to say, I called security on the bitch in the balcony. Hopefully she decides to go with a bit of peace (insert side-eye here).


In other news, yesterday was meatless Monday and it went fine until I ate popcorn and a kernel got stuck between a crown and I nearly fainted from the pain of trying to pry it out with a dental tool I bought at the pharmacy and some floss because my dentist couldn't see me. Of course I made and appointment for today and during the night my mouth just sort of pushed the damn thing out FFS (for f*ck's sake). Anyway. I guess I'm back to blogging my sorrows. Good luck--to whomever might be out there reading this I guess

Saturday, January 7, 2017

Post-Hiatus Thoughts...


So, it appears I haven’t been here in a while. I could say that life took over but that’s not entirely the case. I started using my journal again so I was basically writing my thoughts down with pen and paper rather than coming here to spill my guts to a public audience of none. I think I might be ready to start here again. I’ll spare this space the tedium that is what I have written in my journals right now because at some point it will likely make its way here in bits and pieces anyway. I kinda miss this space I have to say. It didn’t really get much traffic but it felt so vast and wide open and visible that it was refreshing and liberating in a way. I remember writing about a love I had found and lost, a cyber friend I had made who passed on from a sudden illness, and a romantic rival who crawled her way through a series of unfortunate events because she found the love I had lost.

I still have my closest friend without whom I would be lost to say the least. We all have that or those friends who absorb a bit of the blood and guts of life with us. Those friends who collect our bits and pieces and sew them back into place. Sometimes they fill the gaps in us with parts of themselves, making us stronger and connecting our foundation to theirs forever. How lucky we are when that happens…

That lost love is now stumbling through a series of illnesses and maladies that could give me joy (briefly it did if I am being honest) but I feel only pity. I wish them good luck honestly. I also lost some friends I thought I would have for a lifetime. Now they are on the periphery of acquaintance-ship (?) and honestly I think that is where they always should have been. After the loss of that love I mentioned (it was particularly messy and painful) those now peripheral friends sat at a dinner with me and other friends of ours and publicly discussed the most dreadful and dingy details of my break up and laughed with full belly gusto. I crawled into myself and outwardly laughed until the greasy slick feel of betrayal slid down my soul and into the plate of food I couldn’t eat another bite of. They broke my heart and they have no clue, nor do they care (they aren’t those kind of people). They don’t really care for much outside themselves and honestly I no longer begrudge them for this. People are who they are. You can stand them or you keep them out of reach of your sensitive heart and your writer’s soul.  I have made my choice and we are all better for it.
I've loved and lost since but that is a story for another time I suppose. For now I think I've said enough...

Ah! And it has happened. I have indeed dropped a bit of my journal here. See, nothing too bloody but a lesson in pain and growth nonetheless.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Reconnect


I haven’t been about in a while. I want to say that so much has happened but I don’t know how true that is. I lost some weight, got a small raise and changed my mind about love almost entirely. A woman I consider the sister I never had, lost her brother to gun violence. I knew little of but I met him well before I ever laid eyes on her. Were it not for him, I never would have met one of the most important people in my life. He dated another close friend and because of that relationship we met his sister and became fast and lasting friends.  I don’t know why he was killed. There is precious little information regarding the incident as it stands but he left behind a wife, 3 children and a host of friends and extended family. My dear friend had not heard from him in 18 years. He simply vanished from her life and the lives of all of her friends at the time. He tried to make contact, to connect to everyone very recently before he passed. For a brief moment, my friend was linked again to her brother and it was meaningful to her. I’m so very sorry for her loss and I wish that I could do something important and meaningful to ease the pain and uncover the mystery of his passing.
I feel as though I have neglected my best connections out of selfishness, and maybe apathy. I'm ashamed of it. I know that I can not continue this. I have no right.

I know that I can be grateful for the connection he created between myself and my two very close and dear friends. I can cherish the relationships he helped to create and I can not continue to take for granted the people I am connected to in this life. 
 
That's all for now...