Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Review of "Super Eruption"- Hey...

that's Syfy's title, not mine. Although it is fantastically misleading!
So I had the misfortune of watching SyFy’s original movie “Super Eruption” a couple of weeks ago and let me just say, I; ME; Tammie the Queen of Corny, was horrified by the absolute wretchedness of the film. Now I’m not talking about the acting (YET). I’m not watching anything that will get an Oscar nod…that ain’t really how I roll. The problem was of all things, the utter and just ridiculous disregard for even the idea of plausibility. Okay, to be honest I went into the movie with a bit of an attitude. I don’t like movies that make nature the enemy per se. You know those movies where a killer tidal wave is gonna hit the serene town of some decidedly landlocked place (although that is ALWAYS hilarious). I hate that crap because why not just have people’s garbage begin to eat them and sacrifice their bones to the planet to stave off the revolution Nature will eventually be forced to start? Or something like that…I haven’t worked out all the bugs but you get my meaning and if you don’t then you should  not be reading reviews of the craptacular movies I like to see (although I’m glad you are). Anyway, I only knew one of the actors and frankly Watson is the one who noticed him and jogged my memory. Remember The Sentinel? Yeah I know, I didn’t either at first but when I did remember it I  thought “oh, that’s cool. I remember liking that show,” so I settled in for what was surely going to be one lava-hot thrill ride at Yellowstone national park.  Okay so it opens with The Sentinel parachuting DIRECTLY into the center of the eruption with NO protection whatsoever! I mean no mask for breathing since there was ash and burning cinders from all the shrubbery that was literally blazing out of control. No protective clothing. Just Jeans and a long sleeved button down (He’s aged well. He is becoming quite the Silver Fox) Anyway, He was trying to save his daughter and some other non essential hangers-on so maybe he had you know, some of them “Sentinel” powers. Who knows. well, he’s trying to save them but we don’t find out if he does because the cut scene takes us to like “several weeks earlier”. Now, I see this and I remember “Sharktapus and of course Croc-a-saurus” and think to myself, “awesome, they’re gonna Tarantino this bitch,” so I’m way stoked. Then it happens, the Sentinel, Starts. Talking. WTH? If this dude ain’t a cardboard cutout then I’m not ultra tacky with way too much time on my hands. And I think we can all tell by my taste in movies, my Lepoard print window treatments and my Zebra print with glittered accents water bottle that I am indeed ultra tacky and I need to get out and exercise more.
I digress…so the Sentinel is uhm “acting?” and we meet this science chick and I applaud SyFy original movies for making the women in these movies strong, smart and funny but this woman took the darn cake. She’s…get this…a volcanologist who DABBLES and that’s the word they used y’all, dabbles in 1. geo-chemistry, 2. trans-mutational time travel (or something like that) 3. physics 4. some other obscure and or made up science. Okay, so real scientists, that are like for real, say that Yellowstone has the capacity to blow up some day, cool, I can dig it, but everything else is crazy-town in this movie. But I mean like real crazy not, like silly-get-the-heck-outta-here crazy but serious roid-rage barfight crazy! Because THEN we get to the part where that super-science chick is talking to herself from the future through her computer. Yeah, that’s right! Boom! That was the sound of your mind being blown---right out the back of your freaking skull! This movie was like Dante’s Peak (which was also aired on SyFy in the past) and like a time travel sorta thing thrown in which frankly should have made this movie really POP! So if you get bored and this movie comes on, do something that goes against the very core of the couch potato sci-fi nerds being…get some darn exercise. Sweet mother this film was bad, even with a SENTINEL who frankly should have you know…sentineled or something…This movie was not the gold that was Swamp Shark! Not even a little!

Happy Karma and Syfy

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Swamp Shark! Review

What can I say about a movie that DARES to transplant a government genetically enhanced bull shark that was initially found in waters so unknown that they challenge the Marianas Trench in mystery AND depth in a Louisiana Swamp?
Well in a word AWESOME!
Dear Kristy Swanson, it was no Buffy but hey what the heck else were you doing really? Some of the best moments of this uhm “film?” were when the shark, literally STALKS its victims before carefully decapitating them! And by Decapitating, I mean the shark leaps from a swamp (which should typically be shallow or at least pretty boggy) and takes off only the head of a policeman who is standing on the deck surveying the area for foul play during the investigation of the town drunk--who of course was already dancing underwater with Swamp Shark.
Mario believes that this shark must certainly have had much practice in decapitation as this one was FLAWLESS (the body stood headless for a minute before crumpling to the ground and the shark disappeared into the swamp water with no splash. That’s a perfect 10 or at least a 9.95).
The film came complete with a smart Asian dude who worked in the kitchen of the Gator Shack (Kristy’s family run eatery) in Louisiana, the “Blue Steel” mugging pretty boy with something to prove, the hometown hero/ex-highschool football champ, the corrupt sheriff (its his fault the bull shark became swamp shark as he was selling black market exotic animals and this one never reached its destination), the out-of-towner law enforcement officer who wants to put a stop to the black market animal thingie and of course the pretty and dutiful shop keeper who just wants to keep her family business running and her family safe.
NOTE:  Apparently if something has been living beneath the deepest trench of the ocean and is now living in a shallow swamp and has been feeding off big old gators it is most certainly indestructible. Just a little F.Y.I. from our friends from Swamp Shark. Seriously, the smart Asian dude and the rifle-toting Gator Shack owner had this conversation and she came to that conclusion. You may now take your thumb and index finger and pinch the bridge of your nose while squeezing your eyes tightly closed and furrowing your brow in an effort to understand.
Best Scene of the film is the death of Swamp Shark. I saw it coming but Mario says he just couldn’t make himself believe that they were going to try to do it the way they did. You know those crazy airboat things with the big fan on the back? Yeah! Those are everywhere in this film because of the all the swamp travelin’ so keep that in mind.
 Now first they launch a propane tank into Swamp Shark’s mouth and shoot it. Of course the explosion backfires and kills some peripheral characters (you’ve met them but you don’t know them so its no big loss really), well then they decide to harpoon Swamp Shark and get him ashore but he one-ups them and Beaches himself and proceeds to munch on the people on the shore (who for some inexplicable reason race straight into Swamp Sharks mouth…it’s a shark people, it can’t turn its head to nab you so just running AROUND the beached shark should keep in the land of the living.) Anyway, they harpoon the shark and coil the rope around the fan motor of the airboat thing and it proceeds to reel in this mammoth swamp shark WITHOUT burning the motor out mind you! Swamp Shark become ground shark and all is well at the Gator Shack.
Now I don’t care what anyone says this movie was fantastic! There was not gratuitious nudity so the kiddos can watch it with you and the scenes of violence are so over the top and absolutely impossible to accomplish in real life that NO ONE is gonna want Mom and Dad to check the closet and under the bed for monsters (although Swamp Shark seemed fine out of water).
There’s a lot more blood than the usual B movie but it isn’t like all the people have like water hoses for veins so it isn’t utterly terrible. Plus for me that is the mark of a good cheesy movie or slasher-type film.
You can still catch it on SyFy online so don’t worry, you haven’t missed your chance at catching movie greatness. On the 17th I will  watch another SyFy original movie “Super Eruption”---that is some title!

Friday, July 1, 2011

So It's July and...this post is totally Random...

  • I'm slightly behind in some projects I really wanted to be ahead of by this time of 2011. Where the heck does the time go? I mean it seems like I blinked and January became July and I'm not as close to my goals as i wanted to be by mid-year. I want to feel guilty about it but I don't. I dealt with a few things but not nearly as much as I wanted...oh well.
  • Anyway, I recently watched the SyFy movie of the week "Swamp Shark" and yes, it is as amazing as it sounds LOL! My review is forthcoming. It would be done but I had to rewatch the ending of the movie again just to be sure I uhm, saw  that right. You should have seen how that thing ended. Seriously, I didnt see the ending coming, and THAT is saying something for your creature feature type movies! 
  • I was looking around some blogs lately and noticed that I have completely stopped posting my food pics here. I have no idea why but I have been taking tons of pics and posting them on facebook so I think I'll go back to doing that here again.
  • Only 2 months until Dragon-Con and I am over the top excited which means I really have to up my fitness game. Watson likely won't attend this year which I gave him a pass on as long as he makes sure to attend the yearly trip to the Grand Canyon next year so...
Well that is all for now, Later-Gators (that'll make more sense when you see my Swamp Shark review)
Karmically yours