Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Swamp Shark! Review

What can I say about a movie that DARES to transplant a government genetically enhanced bull shark that was initially found in waters so unknown that they challenge the Marianas Trench in mystery AND depth in a Louisiana Swamp?
Well in a word AWESOME!
Dear Kristy Swanson, it was no Buffy but hey what the heck else were you doing really? Some of the best moments of this uhm “film?” were when the shark, literally STALKS its victims before carefully decapitating them! And by Decapitating, I mean the shark leaps from a swamp (which should typically be shallow or at least pretty boggy) and takes off only the head of a policeman who is standing on the deck surveying the area for foul play during the investigation of the town drunk--who of course was already dancing underwater with Swamp Shark.
Mario believes that this shark must certainly have had much practice in decapitation as this one was FLAWLESS (the body stood headless for a minute before crumpling to the ground and the shark disappeared into the swamp water with no splash. That’s a perfect 10 or at least a 9.95).
The film came complete with a smart Asian dude who worked in the kitchen of the Gator Shack (Kristy’s family run eatery) in Louisiana, the “Blue Steel” mugging pretty boy with something to prove, the hometown hero/ex-highschool football champ, the corrupt sheriff (its his fault the bull shark became swamp shark as he was selling black market exotic animals and this one never reached its destination), the out-of-towner law enforcement officer who wants to put a stop to the black market animal thingie and of course the pretty and dutiful shop keeper who just wants to keep her family business running and her family safe.
NOTE:  Apparently if something has been living beneath the deepest trench of the ocean and is now living in a shallow swamp and has been feeding off big old gators it is most certainly indestructible. Just a little F.Y.I. from our friends from Swamp Shark. Seriously, the smart Asian dude and the rifle-toting Gator Shack owner had this conversation and she came to that conclusion. You may now take your thumb and index finger and pinch the bridge of your nose while squeezing your eyes tightly closed and furrowing your brow in an effort to understand.
Best Scene of the film is the death of Swamp Shark. I saw it coming but Mario says he just couldn’t make himself believe that they were going to try to do it the way they did. You know those crazy airboat things with the big fan on the back? Yeah! Those are everywhere in this film because of the all the swamp travelin’ so keep that in mind.
 Now first they launch a propane tank into Swamp Shark’s mouth and shoot it. Of course the explosion backfires and kills some peripheral characters (you’ve met them but you don’t know them so its no big loss really), well then they decide to harpoon Swamp Shark and get him ashore but he one-ups them and Beaches himself and proceeds to munch on the people on the shore (who for some inexplicable reason race straight into Swamp Sharks mouth…it’s a shark people, it can’t turn its head to nab you so just running AROUND the beached shark should keep in the land of the living.) Anyway, they harpoon the shark and coil the rope around the fan motor of the airboat thing and it proceeds to reel in this mammoth swamp shark WITHOUT burning the motor out mind you! Swamp Shark become ground shark and all is well at the Gator Shack.
Now I don’t care what anyone says this movie was fantastic! There was not gratuitious nudity so the kiddos can watch it with you and the scenes of violence are so over the top and absolutely impossible to accomplish in real life that NO ONE is gonna want Mom and Dad to check the closet and under the bed for monsters (although Swamp Shark seemed fine out of water).
There’s a lot more blood than the usual B movie but it isn’t like all the people have like water hoses for veins so it isn’t utterly terrible. Plus for me that is the mark of a good cheesy movie or slasher-type film.
You can still catch it on SyFy online so don’t worry, you haven’t missed your chance at catching movie greatness. On the 17th I will  watch another SyFy original movie “Super Eruption”---that is some title!

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