Sunday, March 2, 2014

Back again for the umpteenth time with a nice stream of consciousness to annoy and confuse...

I haven't been blogging regularly, which is to say that haven't been writing regularly. I've been preoccupied with work, my level of fitness and of course my mother's health (which is improving by the way). I wish I were one of those people who keep all of the plates spinning during times of unrest but it seems I completely stall on a lot of fronts when my world is jostled. Perhaps the most important of those abandoned fronts is my writing. Writing keeps me sane and I have not been doing it to any decent degree and so, my sanity is surely to have suffered. I like to think I am getting back on track. I started eating right again and I feel much better. My mother has only one chemo treatment left and has weathered the past three treatments quite well; although I believe the emotional toll to be higher than she would like to recognize.  She would never admit to feeling other than happy and grateful which bothers me because I want her to know she can lean on me emotionally even though I am the sensitive one in our family. She doesn't have to cry (I covered that during her initial diagnosis) but she is free to express her feelings, whatever they may be without the worry of sending me into a well of despair (crawled out of that thing with the help of MDW as usual). I get why she is so tight-lipped, its how we operate. We're not complainers. We tend to weather our storms quietly and offer smiles, and laughs to those we know would rather not see the cracks in the foundation. And now here I am, attempting to repair my foundation with the caulk of writing. I am already feeling less tense.

All of my small woes aside, I still can't complain. She's here (mother), I'm here, and our small piece of  the first world moves forward pretty steadily. Sure there are questions of equality to be tackled and certainly our children are dodging the same prejudices our parents and grand-parents fought so hard to minimize and eradicate but there is no war waged on our streets as in other countries and that is certainly something for which to be grateful.  I want to do something. To be a doer of things that impact and uplift or merely ease the burdens of others.  I want to be useful. I believe myself to be useful in my job of serving our veterans. I know that I am because I enjoy my job and I perform it quite well, on purpose. I seek opportunities to be useful in any capacity for those who have served and who will seek benefits when their service is done. It is important to me. More important than I could have known five years ago when I started.

But what will I do now? What more and extra thing will I do to prove my desire to help the world of someone?  I will speak aloud about what I know. What do I know? Well, there is the question of the day. I know a lot about a few things and a bit about a lot of things and maybe that will help someone. I know it would help me to get it on a page and into the hands of others so...I think I'll dust off the laptop and court carpal tunnel for myself and the world.

Its safe to say I'm  back...

No comments: