Friday, October 19, 2007

Random Stuff and a Little Seriousness Releasing some Bitters

For some reason I thought that I would know what I wanted to do with my life by the time I reached my thirties. As a matter of fact I have a tattered list from my teens with itemized goals that would be all well and done by the time I hit my twenty-ninth birthday. And how important indeed the items on this list where at the time (one was to meet and marry Michael Jackson-well I was 14 years old at the time). Now there were some items on the list, although the Michael Jackson bit was the first item up for achievement.

I wanted to get married, until the idea became a reality and I swiftly removed this from my list of things to do. Not that I am against marriage, on the contrary, I think it is a wonderful state of being. My issue was with my choice or rather non-choice of mate. And so at 35, marriage is off the list, see,

Meet and marry Michael Jackson,

marriage (Not opposed to marriage just refusing to settle ever again.)

get a degree (got two and working on the Masters)

become a writer

find my father

get my clarinet overhauled (uhmm Yeah I play the clarinet and Trombone. My friend builds guitars and so I will have one of those too...)

Told you. Another item on my list was to be a writer. That's right, even at fourteen I knew I wanted to write. I knew that it would be the life for me. I would travel and write, sending my articles and musings to the overflowing cache of hungry publishers all chomping at the bit for a little something from the Femigog (aah youth ). Anyway, life and circumstances took me on a round about journey to education and far away from the writing life I wanted for myself. For my trouble there were the usual suspects that kept me from pen and page (or type writer, word processor, laptop). You know, family illness, the necessity for ANY employment at all, relationships, and any number of other concerns that take us off the path we are bushwhacking for ourselves in life. This blog marks my Exodus from the non-writer, the retail worker, the daughter who forgets herself for everyone else, into the Genesis of the writer, the scribe, the person I have always been too busy, too afraid, too lazy (oh to slay this demon) to be. I welcome her and with some elbow grease, and audacity, the world will embrace her as well.

I read a poem by MizRepresent called Destiny and it blew my mind. For real. The very next day I ran into a someone from my old highschool.

*Enter the Ton of bricks* (damn poets--shakes fist in the air)

Yep, just like that---I had hope again. Not that this bloke is the one but that there is one out there. He aint too shabby though---

I had derailed myself somewhere on my journey to ME and decided I would create or unleash another sort of self to help me attain the things that fear had paralyzed all attempts at.

*Enter The Sable Sovereign*

Now I use my voice. I insist where I used to just accept and I take responsibility for my happiness and success. No more saving boys, I will now concern myself with grown men. I never really went for your thug type fellas (I dig nerds with big hands). He needn't have buncha letters after his name but he needs to be gainfully employed and have a sense of what he wants. None of this 1 month of this and then 2 weeks of that oh and then if that doesn't work how about this? No! Decisiveness is SEXY and I like a decisive man. I think I met a decisive man this weekend....

The last guy I gave a damn about didn't half work but managed to find enough shit to do that didn't include me. He was constantly on my computer chatting with other women, telling them how beautiful they were...He never said anything positive about me ( and I gots me plenty of positives.) I cant believe I tolerated that. Do you know he actually found fault with every single thing that had to do with me?

My computer was a "piece of shit" but he was always on it (chatting with the woman he is now with I might add).

I "needed to do something about my health" but he was junk food machine,

"Houston was shit" but he never went without while he was here.

I swallowed all of that bile and let it sour me. He was bitter and the shit seeped into my skin and poisoned me. I noticed something else. He has a type. Women who work, full figured girls with a little disposable income. And maybe some self esteem or body image issues he can use to his advantage. I cant believe I missed that shit. When he left I was glad but I felt that I shouldn't be. I was supposed to want him to stay so I said that I did. That was lie, he was lie and I was at fault for not expecting and insisting on more in a mate or even in a friend. He of course owes me money and cooked up a way not to pay me back (which I knew was gonna be the case). He went on and on about betrayals and back-stabbings and how he was just gonna pretend that all those bad people were not in his life anymore. Which meant I am gonna fake a betrayl and just say I am not speaking to y'all no mo'. Boy please!

And not ONCE did he own his own shit (which I also knew was gonna be the case). You see he wanted to try to dodge the debt and gain sympathy at the same time (I knew this was gonna be the case).

Don wrote something about Good men and The men you wish you never met today and He aint never lied! I passed up real grown men and settled for a man who left absolutely nothing with me but Debt and Regret. I am absolutely no better for knowing him. And believe me I dug and dug through his bullshit to find the good and realized that he actually believes his own hype. I couldn't talk about this before now. I don't know, maybe because I was embarrassed at my own folly, my gullibility, my naivety....who knows but lately I have been meeting good men, good people and reading great writing and I know now more than ever what I want and deserve. In part I have my creative outlet to thank for the epiphany, I also have to thank the poets and writers I have been reading (The pen is indeed mightier than the sword my friends--some try to negate that fact because they don't have the goods be we know the truth).

I just released the toxins not the coming lawsuit though--grown men pay what they owe. Period. Boys who try to dodge debts get SUED! See you in Court! (In the words of Celie "Until you do right by me, everything you do is gonna fail).

That is all friends, Sci-Fi next time I promise

Be real and be true....Peace


assembling words to armory, she waits... said...

my stepmother swears that one of the first times i met her, at the age of two, i told her i wanted to be a writer. AT TWO. how does a child that can barely talk even know what a writer is?!

but anyway, here's to doing your thing lady, and to moving up and on from those demons. those that do their best to pull you back and down, be they real or imagined are simply there to teach you, as cliched as it is.

Literary Felonies said...

Uh, honey! Been there, done that and being older than 35, I'm still discovering myself and the reasons why, over my living years, I willingly gassed up the fear that imprisoned me, keeping me from being the person we, who feed at this literary watering hole, are meant to be- A WRITER! Like you, I was born to this, couldn't escape it if I wanted to, and not only have I've wanted to, but I've tried to- thank God, unsuccessfully.

This past weekend, I watched for the umpteenth time when nothin' else's on, The Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood, where Sidalee Walker in an interview about her art states, "If I'da had a happy childhood, I would've had nothing to write about." Guess what I'm sayin' is basically what you already know- that if we hadn't gone through anything, hadn't bled, hadn't cried, hadn't slept for a hundred nights from a broken heart; hadn't laughed, fucked, dined, read, nor jumped and touched the sun, we'd have absolutely nothing to write about! Your brilliance is blinding- corney, I know but keep shining!

Femigog said...

@assembling--Your mother is a wise one! and thanks so much for taking the time to read this mess and comment!
@LitFel! Girl! You wrote a mouthful! None of that was corney it was all true and on point and gave me that much more confidence in myself and in what I know I am meant to accomplish in this life! Let's both get our shine on!

lea78 said...

Hey Femigog I stop by every now and then. Your writing is amazing. Thanks for blessing my spot and keep ya head up

Mega Rich said...

I think you are inspiring a post in me, but it probably won't come out until later in the week. In the meantime, its better that you have come into the light as opposed to staying in the dark.

good post

Femigog said...

@Lea-thanks for checking me out! and thanks for the compliment! Oh my Head is finally way up!
@Mega--Wow! I inspired a post in you? Cool that is truly a compliment brother! I am glad to be in the light myself.

KIKI said...

Yes, yes, yes! Girl, that's the way you do it! I too have been the one so concerned with others that I let my goals go by the wayside. But not anymore! Go for yours!

I do have to disagree with you on one thing say you're no better off for knowing your ex...I think you are! If not for him, you may not know what signs of being a A-hole to look for the next time around.

Ok...that's my 2 cents...

Femigog said...

@KiKi--You are absolutely right! I stand corrected! Thanks to him I damn sure know the signs girl!

Shai said...

I agree with Kiki I had to grasp that concept too. Everyone good or bad can be a lesson.

I was to disconnected to write a list for myself at14. I had desires like being a corporate suit with my credentials, getting married and having a couple of kids. Then time and reality set in.

Now I am 37 and I have a child, I am not married(don't want any time soon), I have 2 degrees, have had poetry published in a national magazine and I want to be a writer and publish books.

I never knew I would have a passion for words and writing until my mid-twenties. I dabbled with poetry as a teen and young adult. Now I am a poet.

Your post got me to thinking about how much life changes and your goals change. I pray my child who has not found her way in some areas has her vision for the future soon.

I hope you for all your success because you have some awesome writing.

Femigog said...

Thank you so much Shai! I really envy poets! To pack so much into so few lines is amazing to me! I wish you luck and good things in your writing life too. I have met so many valuable writers here and I feel so privileged to have so much encouragement from so many people!

Don said...

First off, good luck on finding your dad Femi. That is props fo' sure. And I'm glad that you could find some meaning in my post. Actually, I switched the words up -you know I was talking about y'all women. lol. I guess we all go thru it. They told me things get better - I didn't believe them. But I think they have.

Now, you are a writer. There's no doubt about that. You just have to get published. I can say one thing came from my bad, and that's getting on a computer and doing this blog thing. I can see areas where I think I can advance. Of course, I too have now caught the writer bug. Really feel like I have a story to tell. I have no degrees. I have a medical billing license, if that counts for anything. lol. But seriously, I think writing is your calling. You have great narration. Put down that clarinet and keep that pen in your hand.

As for your ex, I would have been chunked his asz out the door. Dude was seriously violating.