Monday, November 12, 2007

Fathers Teach Us Even when they Dont.

Contemplation of parenthood... kinda of a journal entry I think....back to sci-fi on tomorrow! I promise.

I had only purposely looked at my birth certificate once in my life, I was about 18 I think. With this genealogy research I looked at it numerous times in order to fill in the particulars of that cool Texas morning that I came quietly into the world. I know why I never really looked at it before. There is a blank space where my father's name should be. I hate that space. I hate it because there is nothing there.

Not even the word unknown.

Am I a random occurrence?

Could I have been placed in a box on the side of the road that read "baby girls for free"?
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passersby could stop, examine me, coo and cuddle and then decide how worth it I am to be claimed. I know that this is not the case, I am being dramatic of course. But on some level I feel random when I think of the men I have had in my life. Please do not feel woeful, I am only pontificating for my own benefit. Plus I have a very permanent fellow attaching himself to me as I write this.
Mainly because of the man in my life right now...(I accepted the key by the way)
I have not been a constant for any of the men in my life in the past and it is not simply because they have not deemed me a constant, but in part I have not behaved in a way that said "I could be a mainstay". When they have said "I want love but not permanence" I have obliged simply because you cannot keep what will not be kept. I have grown to accept and embrace this truth. I can love and not possess, I am used to fleeting male attention and company as a way of life. It is no longer just coping, it is my way. How I live. (Or rather it was up until...I got this permanent smile)
Why this discussion you might ask? Is there some unrequited love?
Yes. My father. I love the idea that someone is tied to me even in their constant absence. I don't love him, even though I am quite apt at loving blank spaces.
Still, he is the one male who is connected to me in a kind of permanence, albeit biologically and not in attendance at the great show of my life.
I found my father (he wasn't lost actually). He is alive and he lives in South Carlina. His phone number is public record. He moved from my late and completely foreign grandmother's home in Houston where he lived for many years with my uncles Glenn and Lee (whom I have never met--I dont think). He has been there and has remained a blank space. I don't ask why, doesn't matter really at 35, he will be 66 next August. I owe him a thank you. Without his absence, without that space where he would be,
I would not know how to depend on me when the men in my life ask me for......SPACE.
Nor would I know what it means to have a man in place who refuses to be absent. A man who refuses to live on the fringes of my life. I am terrified and exhausted by the intensity of his affection and worried but oddly hopeful that our affections may have created ... ...(I'll keep you posted if I get up the nerve to take the test...)

Self discovery is joyful and necessary. but to be discovered by one other than yourself is to feel free and found all at once
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Find your roots, grow new roots and know that Karma has flawless GPS navigation...
cuddle with your favorite Teddy...and meet me back here later!


Don said...

Nice pics. Looking at the picture of you standing by the ocean made me feel free. There's just something about a body of water which speaks of life's freedom. And I am sure Sable is proud of the baby pic. Thanks for sharing.

Daddy's Girl will always find her father - that's just the spiritual bond which exist, right?

Anonymous said...

" I have not behaved in a way that said 'I could be a mainstay'."

I think is the central point of both your piece and your understanding of romantic relationships with men. What WILL you do with the realization?

Best to you.

Luke Cage said...

Hello luv. Been a while since I've been to one of the most inspirational and enlightening blogs out there. Love the pictures as well as this piece. So much so, I had so much to say but got thrown off by the pic of baby "the Sable Eklektik" Awwww.. just makes me wanna grab those cheekie cheeks of yours! In fact, I think I'll do it to the grown you too! ;)

lea78 said...

Look at that cute lil baby pic. I love the last pic of you, it says happy, free, loved, and blessed

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