Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I Think That Meaning

What you Say is important. Extremely. I know that was a sentence fragment but still, I mean it. If you tell someone that you feel guilt for something you should mean it, if you tell someone you like/dislike something, you should mean it and damn-it if you say you love someone you should mean it.

I am friends with someone who tells people that they love them all the time to get out of tight spots, to gain an upper hand and to get what they want. They dont mean it and that is fucking despicable.
I have had people say they love me and not really mean it, but that was in high school when people are at their most egocentric (hopefully anyway). I have only had one grown ass man tell me that he loved me and he absolutely, unequivocally did not mean it and it was devastating when I found out the truth. They, of course, were able to happily and merrily skip right on past me and that bullet wound to the heart like nothing ever happened, (seriously, they literally acted as though I had never existed to the point of laughing with me on the phone one day and marrying someone else not even 3 months later without so much as a why or even to just say "Hey bitch, we are through!" Nothing). Now that was nothing for them, truly, but for me it was painful and ugly and completely monstrous. I was heartbroken. I cried and tried to call him (he didn't answer my calls, reneged on loans I gave and just pretended I was not on the planet), after which I cried some more. It was a bad scene, especially after I learned that he was married 3 months later via the internet. Now that dude was seriously not into me if he could perform a stunt like that! I can't even talk about the self esteem issues that came from that...ugh, nasty self loathing stints, really!
I mean this dude was telling me he loved me while he was courting the woman he would marry a few months later. He sat in my house, used my resources and never once thought past himself (He was essentially homeless when he moved in with me. I wanted to help him but I notice that the chick he married was smart enough not to take him in at that point, and surely they had to be courting at the time). Smart lady. Maybe being with a dude when the chips are down is a bad idea. Best to wait until he builds himself up on the back of some other sucker and then swoop in for the less rocky times...
I will give him this, he did tell me that he had "unfinished business" with another blogger and that if he ever got back to Atlanta they both had the inclination to explore some possible options. I don't know if it ever happened but I assume that while he was digging on the other chick, and me he was also keeping in touch with the third woman. Anyway, water under the bridge--thank goodness I managed not to drown. Hope everyone else is keeping their heads above water as well. Really. I don't want pain for anyone even he and she.
Anyway I digress...
I thought he was a lot of things but I had never pegged him for a liar.I believed him when he said that he loved me and he knew when he said it that he didnt, but he looked me dead in the face and lied to me.
If you or someone you know is capable of this shit then I hope your chickens never come home to roost. I really hope you don't get this back because it is demoralizing and a real confidence killer and heartbreaker. It took me a full year for to get over it and then another year to acknowledge how much it hurt me and to even talk about it to my closest friends or even admit it here on this blog.

so when my friend does this to others I respect him less, I like him less and I trust him less. I mean how do I know they havent been lying to me for years about our friendship out of convenience? I don't.
Just be decent to people. Tell them the truth or at least don't lie, because even though I hope he never has to feel the way he has made others feel, I know that he will. Just the law of averages really and not to mention Karmic justice, the old "what goes around comes around" deal...
Just be kind and decent and keep your damn word! Sheesh!
Karmically Yours,

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