Monday, November 23, 2009

When Passive Aggression is Out right Aggression

Forgive the typos!

Okay, this has been coming for a long time. I thought that I would be all douche-y about it once it arrived and act all ego driven when the time came. But no. It's time to address one of the many wrongs I committed for my own edification. Got that? Mine, Me. This is purely for my benefit and to cleanse a few spots on the old Femigog board. Gotta keep ya'self honest ya know?

I have been terrible to people I care/cared about. I have not done it accidentally in some cases. These intentional cases are the ones I need to address, while the list is not miles long, the items on it bother me and they should. I could have been a better person, a better friend and a better woman in these instances and I knowingly chose not to and for that I am deeply regretful and completely sorry for those things. I called 3 people to tell them personally that I apologize. 2 of those people immediately said that they forgive me for those actions, expressed appreciation that I would even attempt to right a wrong so long in the past and insisted that we talk about the issue at length in an effort to bring them closure and myself atonement. They are far bigger than I might be were the situation reversed. I would like to think that I am  mature enough to do the same, and I think I am but I am not completely sure, ya kow.
Anyway, the third person was still quite angry (as they have every right to be) and was not ready to forgive.

"I understand, you don't owe me anything." 
"Yeah, but I just can't let it go yet. So..."
"No, No, you don't have to do anything. I just wanted you to know that I acknowledge what I did to you. How I might have made you feel and I just wanted you to know that I'm not that person. I am extremely ashamed of my behavior and you deserve to see that I am indeed ashamed of myself for it and regret the entire matter."
"Okay. Well, thanks. Seriously, thanks. But I don't think we'll be hanging out and what not anytime in the near or even far off future. But thanks and take care."
"You too and thanks for hearing me out. I really appreciate it."

And that was that. I really wish it had gone as well as the other 2 times but ...I feel like I should do something more but I am sure they just want me to stay away. Hell at least they took my call. That took a mature individual, something I wasn't in my dealings with them.
I was a young woman when I committed these transgressions against these people, early 20s to be precise or slightly vague depending on your view. I will be 38 next month and can honestly say that I have not maliciously set out to hurt anyone since being a pill of woman in my 20s. Well, I did right a rather scathing attack on someone in a journal I believed to be private and I immediately apologized for the attack when they announced to me that they had indeed read the attack. Honestly, I have to say that at the time I was sorry for a few things associated with that journal entry. The first thing is that they had in fact read it, the second thing is the fact that I wanted to be hateful to them because I was so voiceless. And lastly I am sorry that I, for a long time was happy that I had indeed hurt them. I am not happy about these things but I did very well do them. I won't repeat them but, yeah, I own them.

The countdown continues and I really need work on wines (I don't seem to have a real pallett for anything that is too acidic or rather not sweet).
Keep your word, be who you claim and claim who you are...
Karmically Yours,
Me.

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