Saturday, November 21, 2009

This is MY Life the way I Lived it Whether anyone likes it or Not.

Many Diseases of the Body start in the Mind and multiply in the GUT!
If you feel something in your gut, go with it. The human body is not too far removed from it's primal fight or flight instinct. Go with your gut every time. Better to ere on the side of caution, advice I should have taken a number of times in the past. It has been my habit to give the benefit of the doubt to people and situations until I get unequivocal proof, just ignoring my inner voice.
Sometimes I stuck around even after the proof was evident, this is entirely my fault and I take full responsibility for my ignorance and inability to be my own  champion.
Yes this is gonna be about me and my relationship past so check out now if you are not interested. I blog for my own benefit and to dump the toxins, so if you can't take that feel free to head in another direction. Yes I'm taking to you Miss Email and apparently some other person "trying to watch out for my girl".  With friends like you uhm ladies? who needs enemies?
So I have talked alot about a relationship I had 2 years ago (Well I was the ONLY one in that relationship so, I reckon you cant really call it that can you? )
Had I gone with my gut I would have got the hell out of there far earlier than I did. I think I should have abandoned ship when I read some instant messages passed between He and the object of his affection that included a quip about me "keeping a man who didnt want to be kept". Yeah and she only knew what he told her about me, so much for sisterhood and solidarity huh? I keep getting emails from clowns about...anyway, that shit is too fucking one-sided for me to even consider, but then, that's why I'm me and other people are who they are. Anyway, back to MY therapy.
I wrote one helluva research paper for a small feminist magazine based heavily on my experience with a woman who knew about me through hearsay and made sweeping judgements and indictments against me in pursuit of a man. The paper dealt with black women and solidarity in particular. The saddest part of my paper was that it only proved pre-concieved notions about black women as enemies regarding men. Yeah, sad indeed. Anyway in her defense, he told her he didnt want to be kept and left me out of the loop so to speak. If you have never heard/read 2 people discussing you like they would a couch (you know, with a take it or leave it attitude) then let me tell you that I hope you never do. You dont even want to know about the uhm sexy notes they passed back and forth. How dumb was I? Get this, I asked about it and he literally told me that he "was just getting her hot" and that it was "no big deal". Those were literally the words used. I took that shit like a clown. Another sad proof of my research. UGH! Hindsight is 20/10 in my case. Please tell me none of you were as feckless as I was. I was an opportunist's DREAM. LOL! Anyway, he drained me, cuckolded me and then left me. I lay shaking in a daze and soon was dangerously ill (I believe it was from keeping it all inside and to myself).
The problem is that I knew something was off and I just let it go. I didn't fight or run, I just let it go and held all the shit I was felling inside. The room mates saw it and tried to get me to open up repeatedly (Yeah, ther were actual room-mates who can attest to much of what happened in my life because I invited it into the home we all shared together. Anyway, I refused to tell them anything and my health suffered.
Before I started writing and meditating and stretching out all the garbage I internalized I was literally falling apart from the inside out. I had to make serious changes fast and choosing the proper treatment was paramount to my survival.
Now, I keep nothing in and I go with my GUT everytime. And guess what? I fought off one hell of an invader! I take care of me first! If I'm in pieces then my quality of life pieces and I will not let that shit happen again. Never. Likewise I don't hide anything from anyone, including myself. I'm pretty sensitive and I get hurt pretty deeply, I used to be really careful about never letting any of my pain out and that strategy kills, so no thanks!
The new leaf I turned over has changed me in ways that many of my friends found difficult to take, AT FIRST, but now that they know all, they embrace and protect me and I am more than thankful for them. Just writing this here now (I was using a private journal for a while) is extremely theraputic.

Now, I need to buy a frame for my Food Handlers Certificate and finish the menu for the dinner party I am catering for Thanksgiving (since I don't celebrate I decided it was the perfect chance to get another personal chef job added to the old entertaining resume). It's amazing what a little mortal scare will do for getting one to market ones-self relentlessly! LOL. I plan to be the first ever, private chef/writer/photographer and to be independently employed by this time next year. That is gonna be an amazing hat trick, but I am already loving the ride!
Anyway, I got work to do. I won't be able to work too much longer, for a few months anyway (overjoyed is an understatement--the name is already chosen, but I'm not letting the cat out of the bag just yet.)
This is MY life and the way I tell it is the way I lived it, whether anyone likes it or not.
Be decent, keep your word,
Karmically Yours

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